Sunday, December 21, 2014

Columbus & His First Report Card

Columbus has completed his first semester of his A.A.S. degree in Electrical Maintenance and his grades are in. I am a very proud mama, and I could be outright bragging here, but as far as I'm concerned it's my well earned right. I've made a career out of making and raising little people into big people, and it's hard to know what kind of job you are doing until they're all grown up and it's too late to go back. You don't get many do-overs when it comes to raising kids. And homeschooling your kids is, at times, the most scary and doubt filled thing a parent can do. It's a huge responsibility that is sometimes meet with less than supportive comments from strangers and family alike.  I've doubted myself and been tempted to put the kids in public school more times than I can count, sometimes because of my own fears, and sometimes just based on a single exchange with one person who poisoned the well, so to speak. And now, it feels good, (really, really, good) to be here in this place with our firstborn who has worked so hard and proven that not only can homeschooling work, it can work well. I did it. He did it. We did it. 

So, without further adieu...

Electric Circuits...A
Electric Circuits Lab...A

Digital Electronics...A
Digital Electronics Lab...A

Intro to Engineering...A

English Comp...A


Excellent job, Columbus, you have made me so very, very proud, and I look forward to watching you live out your life and your dreams...they will be bright and strong, just like you. 

Monday, December 15, 2014

Carhartt Giveaway Winner

Dawsy did the drawing for the Carhartt giveaway this morning, and the winner is...


Send me an email (room4more (at) icloud (dot) com) with your shipping address and I will get your loot shipped off ASAP :)

Sunday, December 14, 2014

David & Finn & Me

It's a year today since we said goodbye to Finn. I'm finding that the long, slow buildup to these significant days is actually harder than living through them.  I keep thinking that we should be doing something for them, but I am always at a loss of what to do.  Nothing ever sounds good or right, it all just ends up sounding like some pathetic attempt to coverup the obvious; to mask a deep pain that can't be placated with small ceremony no matter how well intentioned.  And I never want to draw more attention to something that will jusy bring more pain.  I don't want to make a tradition out of reliving it and picking off the scab.  But at the same time I don't want to ignore it.  I don't want to spend the day walking around the elephant in the room.  I don't want to be that family that lost like we did and then never talked about it again. It's tough, and not knowing what to do for these days leaves me feeling even more lost.

The last year has been hard, more for me than for anyone else.  It gets better, but I've found grief to be a slow process, tediously slow.  And it is often three steps forward, two steps back.  It's taken a few go-rounds with some depression for me to realize and accept that there is no end to me wanting Finn, that I will take my last breaths still longing for him.  There is no exit from grief, no quick way out, no way to get over it...we just learn how to live with it.  I make a hundred choices in a single day.  I decide what is for dinner, I decide if you can watch a movie or not, or when it's time to go to bed, or if you are right or wrong in an argument...and now each day I decide how to live with my grief.  

I look for Finn all around me, because I know that he is there.  Those profound lesson from his life, and his death, live on inside of me, and I often remind myself that his short life is a gift if I let it be.  I believe that everything happens for a reason, that there are no accidents, and there is a reason for Finn.  Losing our house humbed my pride; losing Finn humbled my heart.  And it is with this newfound humbled heart that I attempt to move forward with in life better than I was before.

And then there are all the other in between days.  The days were my hearts forever constant and silent yearning for Finn turns to raging numbness and in that nothingness I get lost.  I didn't use to believe that saying:  it is better to feel pain than nothing at all, but that was before Finn.  That was before I so intimately knew just how deep nothingness could go.  True numbness is devoid of anything, including hope, and those are some hard days to get through.

Nothing ever lasts forever.  Nothing good, or bad, is ever forever.  Life can, and does, swiftly change without notice, but David and I - we have lasted through it all.  And I don't always understand how or why, but we do.  And so this is for us, and this last year, and our gloriously imperfect marriage and the span of time we have travelled together in this life - reasonable and sane or not, in hope and out of hope, and always in love - even when we weren't totally sure.

There is a video here, and it shows on my laptop, but not my ipad, so I also did a separate post to the video that does show on my ipad for mobile users.  I hope it works, this is my first video and link to the blog.

Finn. Before, During and After