We are moving forward, even if at times it feels slow, even if it often feels like two steps forward and then three steps backwards. I look at all the we have done and I see all the hard work and time that it has taken, and I am both proud of us and thankful for the financial help and support we have received from our Saint. We have reached a place that feels so close to the end, not to the end of all that needs to be done, but the end of this phase, and we race against the cold that is coming with fall, we race to bring the chaos and mess that living between two mobiles brings with it.
This
end time would have been hard even under the best of conditions, but adding to it a month of health problems and surgery only makes it all the more trying. I feel myself, frantically at times, grasp for the frayed edges of it all and attempting to tie loose ends faster than new ones can unravel and spring free. I wait for this time to come to end, I wait for life to slow down. I tell myself and the kids that it will
be better,
get easier, that we
just have to get through this.....again. I've said these words so many times now that I start to wonder if they are a lie. I wonder if I lie to myself and to them. I wonder if
frayed edges is the
end result of buying raw land, of having ten kids, of being self employed, homeschooling, and just of life in general. I wonder if the fight to get
there, to what ever the next goal is, ever ends, and if it will be such a struggle to make each and every
next step along the path of this mountaintop.
For me, there is a thick and bold line between
bad and
hard. This life, this time, these struggles - they aren't bad. They are hard. For right now or forever, that is what I have been asking myself these days. I've begun to wonder if I shouldn't change the way I think about it all, the way I deal with it, if the talk that goes on in my head is what I should
really be saying to myself or not. I've wondered these thing before, and I've come to the same conclusion that I come to now -
yes. Yes, there should be a change. Yes, the message to myself should not be just to get through it, but to find the steady and stable path that leads us, but also finds peace and acceptance with it all. There should be joy along this journey, and yet again, I've failed to remember that and have instead attempted to push through it for the mere sake of getting it all over with. I've been telling myself that if we just work
harder,
faster,
more that we will reach the end sooner - and then we will rest. Then we will be joyous. Then we will find peace.
I struggle to find the balance point between it all. The grey area where the shades of work and joy blend together into one. I struggle with what I've seen, first hand, that laziness and weakness can do to a life. I struggle to see the line between giving up and making peace. I fear giving up. I fear reaching that point in life that I just sit and accept it at what ever place we are at and no longer believe in or try for a better future. I fear believing that this is the best that we could do, will ever do, and stopping. I fear being stagnate.
I live, eat and sleep under the work load, the financial pressure, my fears. I invite them in and let them stay there, alive, and inside of me at all times so that I don't forget to stop fighting them, so that I can always try to stay ahead of them, so that I can stand a fighting chance of beating them. They suffocate
me. I get lost in all of that fighting. I get lost in trying to make life better. I get lost in proving that if we work hard enough that it will pay off, that we will arrive to that long awaited place of rest. I get lost in believing that it is worth it to sacrifice today for the future.
Two steps forward, three steps back. I know these things aren't true, it just takes forgetting a lifetime of fighting to move past it all and find the balance, and then stay there. This life, it doesn't feel like the path is on firm and even ground, it feels narrow and along a steep edge. It feels like if we don't pay attention and watch our next step that we will free fall beyond what we can control. Control that we can't afford to give up. Control, that once lost won't be recovered.
For today, it is not fear or control that we fight, but mother nature and the cold that she brings. The wood stove is not hooked up to the new mobile, or even the old mobile, and it is getting cold. Last night was forecast to be in the thirties, yesterday morning was so cold that we all went and huddled in the van with the heater on to warm up. Today, we move the wood stove to the new mobile to connect it. For the time being, the boys can sleep on the couch until we get it connected to both mobiles. The end goal is to also have it connected to the hot water heater so that the wood stove is heating the water, which is why we are moving it before getting it connected. But for now, we just need heat in at least one mobile. Wood needs to be cut, insulation needs to be replaced from when the floors were tore up to fix them, and we're looking for some kind of low cost skirting.
The kitchen counters were finished this weekend. My Man and Columbus got the woodwork done and I stained and put two coats of polyurethane on them. Columbus and I went to Lowe's to get fittings for the sink and water. For the time being, we want to connect the 12 volt pump and 55 gallon barrel system to the new mobile for water, but that won't get us through the winter because the whole system will be prone to freezing. The swimming hole has become more of a polar bath and so we are back to heating water on the stove. One of the bags of clamps that we bought were the wrong ones though, so for now we have the hose through the window system. Tomorrow, My Man goes to get his staples out, so we can exchange the wrong parts for the right ones while we are in town and then hopefully we will have water running through pipes and the ability to take hot showers.


These days are busy as we make the final push to get situated. Even if I wasn't prone to pushing, they will demand it from us, and we will deliver.
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| Signs of home ~ We got pictures hung - the kids wandered around like they were in a museum of their past and looked for themselves and reminisced - it was sweet, and such a huge milestone in this whole process. |