Saturday, January 19, 2013

Aspire with Intent

As I've stumbled my way through the New Year, sick and exhausted for the better part of it, I've been thinking.  My days have been, for the most part, compromised by my complete lack of energy, and in that stupor I have far too much time on my hands to sit idle.  My mind wanders and my thoughts run loose and undisciplined, not unlike two feral five year olds who also occupy this mountaintop. 

When I called my doctor last week for my blood test results she said I was right on the line to being admitted to the hospital.  Secretly, I hoped that she would admit me.  Even though I hate the hospital and all that it entails, by mid-week I would have considered puss faced nurses a welcomed relief to the ADHD antics of the feral duo.  In my mind I imagined laying in a bed with clean white sheets and complete silence.  Maybe then I thought, I would complete a single thought.  Or just sleep.  I imagined that I would choke down the bad food with a smile on my face and pretend I was in a country club for paid members only.  I imagined that I would forget all about the mountaintop, for just a day or two, and then come back feeling like my peppy self.

Instead, my doctor told me to come in next week for another blood test and to keep taking my medicine in the mean time.  Without saying so, she told me to  ride it out on the mountaintop with foggy thoughts and too much idle time on my hands while balancing feral five year olds.

Idle time........Time to think.  Time to do nothing.  Time to look out the window at all of the wonderfulness and beauty that surrounds us, even if the view is hazy right now, it is still so clear how happy we are.  I think about last year and its struggles and this coming year and our plans for it.  And it feels a little bit like the New Year is a new moon and the night sky has reset itself.  It feels like we made it over the hump and there is a new and exciting horizon. 

We've come to this place, our mountaintop, and we've overcome the most difficult parts of it.  We survived hauling water and living on top of each other.  Shared beds and no time alone.  No hot showers for months on end made public creek bathing a treat, even if we still do prefer to do it in private.  We've cut out a place up here that is ours and ours alone.  A place not intruded on by the outside world or the past.  Now ~ it's just us.  Just this time.  Just these moments.  Just our future.  Even if mountaintop lessons are hard, she faithfully and lovingly provides a soft place to fall. 

I think about our future and then I think about our dreams.  Gardens, canning, chicken coop, fencing, gravel, finishing My Mans office, a cord wood trial building, wood for next winter cut and split before the cold returns, and hot summer afternoons at the creek laughing and playing....a homesteader is never short on dreams.  I wonder if when spring comes it if will all still be so clear?  I wonder if the view will still be so beautiful and my drive so high?

I think about a blank wall in our bedroom that is impossible to do anything with because there is so much traffic by it.  And then I think about making it a cork board of everything we want to do this year.  A collage of ideas and plans.  A daily reminder of what our vision is.  A tangible manifestation of our goals and the source of inspiration to achieve them.  And then I think I should make it, and I should name it.......

Aspire with Intent.  And then I know that those three words are my words for this year.  And I think that we can make it happen.  I think that I can hold this beautiful view forever and that we can keep moving forward and making progress.  The mountaintop is a transforming place.  Its busy days lull into a clear night sky filled with sounds of distant animals, and late at night, after the house is asleep, I can sit outside and look upwards and see a million bright stars that all shine down and remind me that these are the best days of my life.  And if all of that isn't perfect enough - now I get to do it while listening to Into the Mystic, by Van Morrison, on our new iPod about five times in a row and on full volume while dreaming about my beautiful man and our love. 

And so this is the year of aspiring with intent, and just as soon as I'm feeling better I'm going to get out the paint and make that blank wall in our bedroom the source of our inspiration.